The moment I retired, the problems beganhow old age reveals the loneliness that had built up over the years.
Im sixty. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I dont exist anymorenot to my children, not to my grandchildren, not to my ex-husband, and certainly not to the wider world.
Physically, Im here. I walk down the street, go to the chemist, buy bread, sweep the patio beneath my window. But inside me, theres a void that grows larger every morning now that I dont have to rush to work. Now that no one calls to ask, “Mum, how are you?”
Ive lived alone for years. My children are grown, each with their own families, living in other citiesmy son in Manchester, my daughter in Bristol. My grandchildren are growing up, and I barely know them. I dont see them off to school, I dont knit scarves for them, I dont tell them bedtime stories. Ive never been invited to visit. Not once.
One day, I asked my daughter:
“Why dont you want me to come? I could help with the children”
She replied, calm but cold:
“Mum, you know my husband cant stand you. You always interfere, and you have your ways”
It was a blow to the heart. I felt humiliated, angry, wounded. I wasnt trying to imposeI just wanted to be near. But the message was clear: “Youre not welcome.” Not by my children, not by my grandchildren. Its as if Ive been erased. Even my ex-husband, who lives in a nearby town, never finds the time to see me. Once a year, I get a chilly Christmas text, as if its some sort of favour.
When I retired, I thought: finally, time for myself. Ill take up knitting, go for morning walks, attend that painting class Ive always dreamed of. But instead of joy, anxiety settled in.
First came strange symptomspalpitations, dizziness, a deep fear of dying. I saw several doctors. They ran tests, ECGs, MRIs all normal. Until one finally told me:
“Madam, its emotional. You need to talk to someone, to socialise. Youre very lonely.”
That was worse than any diagnosis. Because theres no pill that cures loneliness.
Sometimes, I go to the supermarket just to hear the cashiers voice. Other times, I sit on a park bench with a book, pretending to read, hoping someone will stop by. But people are always in a hurry. Everyone has somewhere to be. And me? I just exist. I breathe. I remember.
What did I do wrong? Why has my family drifted away? I raised them alone. Their father left early. I worked double shifts, cooked, ironed their uniforms, nursed them when they were ill. I didnt drink, didnt go out. I gave everything I had.
And now? Im just surplus.
Was I too strict? Too controlling? I only wanted the best for them. I wanted them to be good, responsible people. I kept them away from bad influences. And in the end Im left alone.
Im not asking for pity. I just want to understand: was I really such a terrible mother? Or is this just the pace of modern lifemortgages, after-school clubs, endless rushingwhere theres no room left for an old woman?
Some tell me:
“Find a partner. Sign up to a dating site.”
But I cant. I dont trust easily. After so many years alone, I dont have the strength to open up, to fall in love, to let a stranger into my life. And my health isnt what it used to be.
I cant even work now. At least then there was a groupchatting, laughter. Now theres only silence. A silence so heavy I sometimes turn on the telly just to hear voices.
Sometimes I wonder: if I disappeared, would anyone notice? Not my children, not my ex-husband, not the neighbour on the third floor. The thought fills me with dread.
But then I take a deep breath. I get up, make a cup of tea in the kitchen, and tell myself: maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe someone will remember. Maybe a phone call. A letter. Maybe I still matter.
As long as theres hope, Ill stay alive.
